My last post was on April 1st. I can describe the month with two words: overwhelming and emotional. And that is why I just couldn't bring myself to keep up with the blog. I'm hoping I'm back on track though. So. . .what happened in April?
It started with a trip to Tahoe. The first road trip with baby can always be a bit overwhelming. You're not sure what you will need, so you end up packing everything under the sun. It was a good weekend. But, it was a quick reality that life is not the same. And I knew it wasn't going into the situation, but it wasn't until I was in the moment that I knew how I'd feel about it. It was sort of a saying good-bye to my previous reality.
When we returned from Tahoe, Derek got the flu and was sick for a solid week. He was under quarantine at the front of the house and Maren and I were at the back of the house. I was on 24x7 every day because we didn't want the baby to get sick. It was a hard week. That weekend was Easter and we had planned to drive to the OC to spend it with my mother. I told Derek I had to go even if he was too sick. I would go without him because I wanted to be with my mom so I could have a small break. He didn't want me driving alone, so he bucked up and headed down there with me. It was a great weekend and it felt so good to be around my mom and know that Maren was in good hands as I caught up a bit on sleep.
While Derek was sick, we called the pediatrician to see what could be done to help her from catching the flu. They said the best thing for her was breast milk. So, the issue of breastfeeding resurfaced. And I was back on a mission to make it work. This began a long line of appointments with accupunturist, chiropractor, doctor etc. I had to drink terrible drinks with Chinese herbs, baking soda and water, liquid iron, dark beer. . .it goes on and on. Nothing was really helping though and my frustration and disappointment began to mount.
During this time, I also discovered the reason my belly was still quite big is because I have an umbilical hernia, which basically means my abdominal muscles are unable to come back together; therefore, my organs are falling forward. This led to more doctor appointments. My case is pretty severe and should most likley be treated with surgery, but I've decided to try to solve the problem with physical therapy before going under the knife.
These things have led to feelings of sadness and anger towards my body. I feel like I'm broken and it was been a hard struggle trying to overcome these feelings. I had a long cry last Sunday, which I think was good for me; and this week has been a much better week. I've decided I'm cutting back on the appointments. I'm letting go of breastfeeding and I'm going to focus on Maren and the two months I have with her before returning to work.
Which leads me to another focus that started at the end of April, the search for a nanny. How do ever find someone that you trust with your child? A person that, much to my sadness, will spend more hours with my child than me. We have our first interview tonight. We'll see how that goes. My guess is it is going to lead to another round of very strong emotions. I think going back to work is going to be incredibly difficult for me. But it is something that is needed for now.
The month ended with the death of my cousin Nancy. She died of a pulmonary embolism. It was sudden and very sad.
So on that note. . .I'm saying good-bye to April. I'm welcoming May with open arms. I'm pulling myself out of mode of depression over my body. And I'm just going to enjoy every moment I have with Maren.
And Happy 1st Mothers Day to Me. I know everyone that is a mother already knows this, but something indescribable changes within you when you become a mom. And as I watch this precious little being sleep next to me, I can't imagine anything more special or rewarding
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.
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2 comments:
I love this post. Not because it was filled with light and easy things, but because it is so real. You write and express reality very well. You will look back on it someday and realize how much harder this period of time is then you are even able to give yourself credit for right now.
I'm so sorry your body is "failing you". The bitterness is understood and I hope the physical therapy helps!
Letting go of breastfeeding can mean (for some women) opening arms to sanity. Really. I'm proud of you for knowing your limits and knowing how priceless this next two months really is. A happy mom will benefit Maren possibly more than breastmilk would!!
Welcome to "the Other Side". I remember when I entered the motherhood zone, I felt strange that so many women and even some friends had gone through the transformation and I was so oblivious to it. It truly is indescribable how challenging and rewarding (in very opposing but intense degrees) motherhood is. In every phase and in every way!
You are a strong woman and I'm so glad I was able to see you in the midst of your hellish month. Send me the pics we took when you have a sane moment - no rush. Love ya!
I have been out of town so I barely got to catch up on your blog. Now- I'm sure you get all kinds of advice and stories but just know that you are not alone. I suffered severe depression after Cooper- all he did was cry and I wanted to cry all the time because of it.
Being a mother is the hardest thing but the most rewarding thing too. Try not to be too hard on yourself- I find when I let the expectations go and all the things I think I "have" to do go I am much happier and so is everyone else.
And as far as breast feeding- I let that one go. I felt like my brains were being sucked out. I had the opposite problem- so much milk that my shirt was soaked every minute and I wanted to shoot myself from the pain. With Luka I didn't even try and I was SO MUCH happier and more sane after that birth. So I plan not to breast feed after this upcoming birth as well.
Hope things get a little better.
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